Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
