im drinking this country out of the recession.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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