Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
