Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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