a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
