Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
