She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
