I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
