I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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