Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
