it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
My dick has a subreddit
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
