How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
foreskin is a definite game changer
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
