census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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