jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
