i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
