Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
