Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
