My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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