Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
