A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Randomize
