I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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