Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
