if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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