My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
