im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
