You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
