Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
