i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Randomize
