The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
