The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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