Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
