Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
