I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Life without a bra equals bliss.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
