A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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