Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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