I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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