No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
