At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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