dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
