i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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