OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
