I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
