I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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