Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
