What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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