I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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