I think I died a long time ago.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
