that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
