In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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