I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
