Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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