Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
